Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Rating: ★½☆☆☆ 

Directed By: Michael Bay

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, John Turturro, Ramon Rodriguez

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen exists only to fuel Michael Bay‘s U. S. Military and Gigantic Explosion masturbatory fantasies.  It is an exercise in excess gone horribly wrong.  Maybe Michael Bay just wanted to create a Frat Boy Drinking Game movie, “Every time you see an explosion or cleavage, take a drink!” So, maybe he succeeded in what he set out to do.  However, Mr. Bay, I’ve cut you slack numerous times, but I would like my 2 AND A HALF HOURS of my life back.

There is so much wrong with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.  I almost don’t know where to start.  I should say that I really enjoyed the first Transformers, and it’s one of my “Demo Quality” Blu-Rays that I proudly display.  However, with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Michael Bay seemed to lose his mind and didn’t worry about plot or character, but wanted nothing but Frat Boy juvenile humor, robots and explosions.

[SPOILERS AHEAD]

The Good:

• I do need to applaud ILM for the effects here.  They are on par with the first film and really are impressive.

• Soundwave as the Decepticon’s communication expert hovering over Earth as a satellite works and it pretty awesome.  Thank God they didn’t make him an Mp3 player.

• Some people hated the “nano-bot” ball bearings robot, I thought it was pretty cool.

• The “Pretender” robot hot chick had no purpose for the story, but her transformation scene was pretty awesome.  (Some people complained about a robot disguised as a human, but there was a Pretender sub-line with the Transformers toys.)

• The amazing Forest Battle Scene with Optimus Prime battle Megatron and other Decepticons.  Epic.  Too bad that was the high point of the movie, and within the first hour.

• Ravage was pretty badass.

The Bad:

• Michael Bay’s sense of humor.  Dogs humping, pot brownies, Jive-talking robots, Robots that hump legs, a robot with a gun for a penis, Testicles on Devastator.

• Shia LaBeouf.  Why is he trying to be an action star these days?  He’s good in smaller movies, but not a believable action star.  Was is just me or did he still have his Indiana Jones haircut?

• Optimus Prime’s lack of screen time.  He’s the iconic leader of the Autobots and barely in the film.

• The Jive Talking Twin Autobots.  Mudflaps and Skids.  Ugh.  Really? These guys are the most annoying characters since Jar Jar Binks, and they have more screen time than any of the Autobots.

• Exposition? Don’t you mean, more EXPLOSIONS?! Michael Bay does not give a shit about the story, only explosions.

• The Fallen is a wimp.  He’s supposed to be this old time badass, but is dispatched so quickly and stupidly by Uber-Optimus Prime, it’s just ridiculous.

• The run time.  2 hours and 30 minutes?! Are you serious? Is this Ben Hur? MAYBE if 45 minutes were cut out, this would be a wee bit better.  Maybe.

• Robot Heaven. Huh?

Really, I can go on and on.  But this subject has been covered by so many reviewers and blogs.  Basically, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the worst film of 2009,  Michael Bay’s worst film, and probably the worst film of the past decade.  However, it made tons of money so expect the sequel.  I won’t be in line for that.

Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, language, some crude and sexual material, and brief drug material

The fellas over at GeekTyrant poured over the new Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen trailer and compiled some amazing images.

Enjoy after the jump!